“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” An excerpt from the book, The Help, by Kathryn Stockett. 

The Help was a movie chock full of teachable moments. When this line was delievered in this movie, it brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat — triggering something deep inside my soul. Unresolved hurts that I had buried decades ago were instantly and quite easily breached despite my best attempts to hide it in the dark recesses of my soul. Upon hearing those words as an adult, my brain quickly imagined how my adolescent life would have turned out, had those words been spoken to me on a more frequent basis. When those dark areas of my soul are breached, I either feel pain, sorrow, hurt, or a combination of all three. 

The vast majority of people we encounter have buried pain from a lifetime of hurts, disappointments, unmet expectations, and soul wounds. And what do we know about hurting people? Hurting people hurt people! 

We must learn how to distance ourselves from anyone who refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes and habitually blame others. When someone refuses to admit their errors, they foster a climate of endless conflict and emotional fatigue—shifting accountability to deflection. In such dynamics, it quickly becomes apparent you’re viewed less as a valued individual and more as a scapegoat for their unwillingness to confront their flaws.

Remember, it’s not a reflection of you—it’s about them. Even if we intellectually understand this, our subconscious often reacts because it doesn’t differentiate time. Any buried pain resurfaces when new hurts occur, linking past traumas to present triggers. Their unwillingness to acknowledge their faults comes from their fears, pride, and insecurities. They manipulate the situation to make you appear at fault for every mistake and disagreement. This gradually chips away at your self-esteem, making you doubt your worth. It creates a tiring cycle of self-doubt, guilt, and emotional turmoil.

Guarding your energy involves understanding that you deserve connections where accountability and empathy are shared. This means establishing clear boundaries with those who twist reality to protect their insecurities. By maintaining a respectful distance, you create room to prioritize your well-being, allowing for personal growth without being hindered by others’ refusal to accept responsibility.

Connecting with people who can admit mistakes, listen openly, and engage in honest discussions helps you build a supportive network that uplifts you. In these healthy relationships, trust is based on genuine connection rather than blame-shifting. This empowerment enables you to break away from toxic patterns, reclaiming your strength and self-worth.

Remember, emotional freedom starts with recognizing your own value. You have the right to choose companions who respect and reflect your integrity. By refusing to internalize misplaced blame, you not only maintain your peace but you’ll begin to atract others who are also looking for healthy humans. And slowly, over time, you will create a whole new network of humans who will support, affirm, and validate you. 

Often, toxic individuals aren’t strangers we can easily distance ourselves from. They might be our spouses, parents, co-workers, or even our children—people we feel bound to by relationships and responsibilities. These familiar ties can make it seem like we’re ‘stuck,’ but each relationship presents an opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth.

Every connection offers a chance to redefine our narratives and establish healthier boundaries. While we can’t control the actions of others or the situations we face, we hold the power to choose our responses. Our reactions serve as a barometer of our emotional health. Meeting chaos with chaos signifies areas needing healing. Responding to anger with anger indicates unfinished self-work. If we withdraw to sidestep conflict, it might suggest that our boundaries need reinforcement.

Our challenge lies in transforming these interactions into lessons. By reflecting on our emotional triggers and reactions, we can better understand our needs and limitations. This awareness allows us to communicate clearly, assert our boundaries, and express our emotions constructively. Embracing the lessons from these relationships empowers us to cultivate resilience, fostering an environment of respect and understanding.

In essence, the way we respond to toxic relationships is a testament to our growth. It underscores our journey from reaction to reflection, from chaos to calm, and from entrapment to empowerment.