The ironic thing about life is that you are a different person to everyone you meet. To some, you are distant and hard to know, while to others, you are one of the kindest people they’ve ever met. Some people see you as unforgettable, some as a threat, and others see you as a passing thought. But these versions aren’t the real you. They are just reflections of how others choose to see you. People don’t see you as you are, they see you as they are. (Read that sentence again). Their perception of you is just a mirror of their own world. And no matter what you do, you’ll always be a reflection of what they need, what they feel, and what they expect. Because the truth is, no matter how carefully you try to shape yourself to fit their expectations, someone will still misunderstand you or misjudge you, and if you spend your life trying to control how people see you, you’ll lose sight of yourself.

Real peace comes from not being understood by everyone, but from no longer needing to be. (Edited with credit to Rania Naim for the orginal text). 

Upon reading these thoughts from the author, her words really resonated with me. especially with regards to Pickleball. How so you say? I think back to my first experiences in playing pickleball when moving to a new town. That first time I met people at the courts who I thought were nice. Why? Because they acknowledged me. They included me. They showed interest in me. And while waiting for my turn to play, I listened. And I heard people talking about other people. Sometimes in a complimentary way, many times in a judgemental, critical way. And it wasn’t long before some of them, especially the ‘smiley/ friendly’ ones, were judgemental and critical of me. In those moments, its easy to begin to form opinions based on other people’s opinions. And our opinions are often skewed based on the health of our own soul. An angry, bitter person will be critical of anyone who they feel isn’t angry and bitter, even if that person is considered by others to be a nice person. A hurting, unforgiving person, will take the slightest slight against them as a personal attack. And the girl who gossipped and was a ‘mean’ girl in high school, is now just an older, sneakier version. Something as simple as not remembering someones name, or being confident, or not “kissing someones ring” and immediately, a slight has been caused and an unhealthy opinion is unfairly formed in that persons mind. 

“Real peace comes from not being understood by everyone, but from no longer needing to be.” This is how I lived the first 36 years of my life. I still remember answering my therapists first question, “So, why are you here today” with this answer, “I’m here because I dont know who I truly am.” I, like many people I soon discovered, live lives of quiet desperation. I desperately wanted to be seen, valued, and understood. But how could people ‘see’ me when I was being a chameleon? There was the ‘me’ who was a son to a father who I felt I could never please. There was the ‘me’ who was a father to two young impressionable girls. There was the ‘me’ who was in an abusive marriage. There was the ‘me’ who people at church knew. There was the ‘me’ that my business colleagues knew. There was the ‘me’ that my sporting friends knew. And then, there was the ‘me’ that I knew. 

Truthfully, I believe most people are misunderstood. And if our perception of other’s is truly a mirror of our own soul, then most definitely, there are going to be misunderstandings. Adults are just big kids with better coping skills. With life experiences, we are supposed to learn how to manage stress, navigate complex social situations, and deal with setbacks. But the reality is that the vast majority of adult’s are still just an older version of who they were as adolescents. 

What I am still trying to learn is that many times, there is malice, anger, envy, jealousy, and yes, even hate, hiding behind human smiles. Some of my most hurtful human experiences have come from people presenting themselves as warm and fuzzy only to learn how devious, intentional, and manipulative these people are at hiding their real feelings behind those smiles. Some refer to this look as ‘The Narcissist Smirk’. 

To move beyond these limitations, learning and practicing self-awareness and empathy are crucial. By acknowledging our own biases and working to understand others without judgment, we can create deeper connections. Additionally, continuous personal development and open communication can help us break free from past patterns and foster maturity. It’s a lifelong journey, but one that leads to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Embracing vulnerability also plays a key role in this process. By allowing ourselves to be open and honest about our feelings and experiences, we not only grow individually but also inspire others to do the same. Practicing active listening, where we truly hear and consider others’ perspectives, can transform misunderstandings into opportunities for learning and connection. 

Furthermore, surrounding ourselves with diverse viewpoints challenges our preconceived notions, broadens our horizons and enhances our understanding of others. As we embark on this journey of growth and understanding, we pave the way for a more compassionate and empathetic society, where everyone feels seen and valued. That’s why it’s essential for us to embark on our journey of authenticity. We all long for connection. We yearn to be seen, understood, and loved for who we truly are. Yet, the ability to love another is intertwined with first, knowing, accepting, and loving ouselves. If we do not truly know ourselves—our desires, fears, strengths, and weaknesses—we can’t fully open our hearts to others, because we are incapable of being open and honest with ourselves. 

The journey to knowing ourselves involves introspection and honesty, exploring the depths of our identity without fear or judgment. This journey of self-discovery fosters a sense of acceptance and compassion for our own imperfections, enabling us to offer the same understanding to others. As we gain deeper insights into our own lives, we become better equipped to empathize with and support those around us, creating stronger, more meaningful bonds grounded in genuine love and respect. Knowing ourselves is not enough. But knowing ourselves is the first step in beginning to love ourselves. And in first learning to love ourselves, we will then be capable of forming authentic connections with other humans. And in living like this, we will begin to experience peace. Remember, “Real peace comes from not being understood by everyone, but from no longer needing to be.”