I’m going to offend some people. I’m going to ruffle some feathers. I might even make some people angry. However, I’m going to speak the Truth, not my truth mind you, but the ugly Truth nonetheless. I am writing this on the behalf of the spouses and children of adult parents who have become too self-absorbed in their hobbies.
We recently hosted an Ironman in our city. The city and its athletic community promotes this as an incredible opportunity for our city. Of course from the city’s perspective, the benefits are strictly economic. However I sense and “see” and have personally been witness to a more sinister side of this event and events like it. And that is the HUGE block of quality time that is stolen from their spouse and or children. To safely train to just be physically ready to complete a full Ironman, the recommendation is 30 weeks of training at an average of 12 hours a week. That’s over half a year of training at 360 hours! And that’s just the base training. That doesn’t account for a lost time of being too tired to participate in other family activities. It does not take into account the amount of time lost in travel to and from weekly training and the actual event. In the case of a full Ironman, some people take an entire week of time off to arrive early to preview the course and acclimate themselves and hang out with the other participants, so more time stolen from their spouse and kids. Now some bring their spouse and kids to the event, justifying that it is a family vacation, but in reality it’s to compensate for the guilt that they feel or their spouse has placed on them for the time they’ve already taken. While “on vacation” the non-training spouse is yet again, responsible for babysitting the kids so once again the training spouse has the time to hang out with their training buddies and “get ready” for what for 99% of participants, is a hobbyist activity. So a more accurate amount of time stolen is closer to 32 weeks and 500+ hours. And that number is conservative based on only participating in one annual event.
Many of these hobbyists, participate in multiple annual events. Second to this atrocity committed on their family is the selfish financial drain endeavors like this create. On the low end, a person can expect to spend at least $2,500 per event just in basic fees, training, and accessories. More realistically when adding in wetsuits, bikes, shoes and support gear, the price starts closer to $10,000 and can easily get over $20,000 a year. And that doesn’t include the travel expense when going to each event. Some participants choose to compete in events outside the country and according to one report I looked at, that trip can easily add another $5,000 to their annual expenditure.
Another atrocity that is overlooked is the amount of time and money that the self-absorbed spouse spends on recovery and injury rehab from the physical toll these types of events put on the average individual. And after all that training and expense, statistically on average 5-7% percent do not even complete said event. And little is being said about the short and long-term physical toil and stress this volume of training puts on a body.
If you’re reading this article and you make your family’s living athletically racing in some capacity then that’s a different story to some degree. If it’s your full-time job then most likely you’re able to train in a way that doesn’t interfere with family time. Like anything else the key is balance. It’s just as harmful to a spouse and kids for a spouse who is self-absorbed in their non-athletic career.
How do kids spell love? TIME. What is one of the top love languages? Quality Time. A hobbyist who is this self-absorbed cannot give enough quality time to their spouse, their children, their career, and their community. There’s just not enough to go around and some party or multiple parties will suffer. And most often it’s the kids and the spouse who end up suffering lives of quiet desperation.
Why do hobbyists do this to themselves? There are so many reasons. One is a lack of accountability. When they state, “I’m going to do an Ironman or a marathon” no one says, ” you might want to reconsider that decision.” Everyone always just says, ” oh, that’s cool, good luck.” Another common reason is they have an underlying addictive issue. Exercising to stay healthy is just not enough. They go all in and become addicted to their new hobby and like any addiction, it leaves a path of destruction in its wake. For collegiate competitive athletes many times, the reason is because they miss the thrill of competition and are holding on to their Glory years. And for others, the reason is motivation; a catalyst to get healthy, lose weight and get “in shape.” They foolishly think the way to do that is to go from the couch to an Ironman or a Marathon.
When one reaches adulthood and has a spouse and especially children, their priorities SHOULD change. No longer should they be self-absorbed. They have made a commitment to their spouse to share life and once kids come along they make an additional commitment to give up their time to invest in the lives of their children as it’s their responsibility. These two relationships (spouse and children) should take precedent over their own selfish desires. That doesn’t mean that they can’t have a hobby and time to themselves but that should be mitigated and carefully calculated and not come at the cost of borrowing time from the spouse and children to engage in their hobbies.
How do I know all of this? Sadly, I admit, this was, at one time, my story. Early on in my first marriage, I found myself unhappy, unsatisfied and began looking for something that would make me “happy.” What I discovered was cycling. At first it was for exercise. Then, as I got better, I was encouraged to consider racing. Given my competitive collegiate background, I excelled immediately and found myself a budding accomplished cyclist on the racing circuit. But to maintain this level and continue to get better I would have to put in more time in the saddle. I was already riding 3 days a week sometimes 4, putting in 120-150 miles every week. I would ride Tuesday and Thursdays after work and wouldn’t get home until my kids were in bed. And on Saturdays, I would put in 4 to 6 hours and be so tired when I came home I lacked the energy to play with them like they deserved. And all this time was spent away from my spouse furthering the divide of our already turbulent marriage. Looking back, I know that if I invested the 20 hours a week into my marriage, it would have been much much better for all of us. But being unhealthy at the time, and not having anyone hold me accountable, I chose the path of least resistance; I chose to be self-absorbed and selfish and feed my ego with podium after podium race finishes. I did well enough to attract BMW as a corporate sponsor and they gave me an X3 SUV, two race bikes and paid all my entry fees. I felt on top of the world; a self-centered world I had created to escape my hurt and pain. It was a world built on lies and deception, greed and ego, selfishness and pride, but at the time, I was too self absorbed to see it.
Then “it” happened. And “it” couldn’t have happened at a more inopportune time. I was in the middle of the race season. I had commitments to my sponsors. I was improving and had the ability to go somewhere with my hobby. I remember this like it was yesterday. “It” was early Saturday morning around 6:00 a.m. . I was collecting my gear and getting ready to leave the house when my oldest daughter, then 6 years old, sleepily wandered into the kitchen, disturbed by the noise of my getting ready to leave for the day. (Back then most of the races were in or around the Atlanta area so it was customary to be gone a full Saturday or sometimes Saturday and half a Sunday if I needed to stay the night). And then she said “it.” “Daddy, are you going to be gone again all day? You’ll miss my soccer game. And I miss you.” I honestly cannot remember my exact response at the moment but I’m sure I assured her that I would be home “soon” and although I would miss her game there would be lots more games I would make in the future. As an adult, that sounded very logical and I was certain that she would be able to process that adult logic and be understanding. I’m sure I said whatever was necessary to try to make her feel better in the moment. After a quick hug and kiss I’m out the door and driving to Atlanta. No matter how fast I drove, I could not outdrive my daughter’s words that kept repeating in my head. Needless to say, I performed poorly in that race and on the drive back home, realized and decided that I needed to make some massive changes in my life. That Monday I drove to BMW and turned in my car and the bikes and reimbursed them for the sponsorships. And I quit racing just like that. I made the decision that I could not just continue to ride bikes and just scale back. I was honest enough with myself to realize that I needed to walk away from something that I was addicted to. Perhaps it was a form of self punishment. One of my greatest regrets in the decision that I made is that in walking away from cycling, which I felt that I had to do at the time, I walked away from several friendships that were meaningful to me. That was a massive decision for me and the beginning of a mindset shift that never stopped. It’s been almost 20 years since I made that decision and I do not regret it. I made the hard choice; I chose my children. From then on nights were spent playing games and or hanging out. Weekends were spent at ball fields or hiking or small day trips or the lake. From then on anything that was a hobby was done in such a way that would not take away from them and in such a way that would never put me in a situation like that again. I challenged myself that week and since then, to make being the “best” father, a commitment and a private competition and I would do so until both of my kids were out and on their own. I felt that “giving up” 20 years of my life for my personal interest and desires was the right and healthy and wise investment of time and resources for my children and for my spouse and for myself. In that time I’ve learned that Good, is the enemy, of the Best. I’ve learned that balance is the key to a healthy life. And I’ve learned that the pursuit of a state of Joy and Peace far surpasses any momentary excitement of standing on an athletic podium or a ribbon around my neck. Oh, I’m still competitive, and for those who know me, know this well. However, I’m thankful to report that my competitiveness and exercise hobbies are held in check and that the the “race” I most desire to “win”, is to spend my time and resources with my spouse, my family, my friends and to help my clients win at their life.
